Monday, April 26, 2010

Wisdom Is Choosing Now What You Will Be Happy With Later

I was talking to my sister about this yesterday. My dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer shortly after I got engaged. We were originally going to get married in November of 1980 but as dad began declining we decided to push it to August instead. Luckily we did this as dad passed away November of 1980. Planning the wedding was difficult. The day of my wedding my mother was understandably upset and was crying and kept saying things like everyone was leaving her and she hopes I would never forget her. Of course I promised her I would never forget her nor was I leaving her. And leaving her I never did. I stayed in the same neighborhood as her and we are still here with her. Should I have moved to a different neighborhood back then when Mom was still young and working? My Sister still lived in New York at the time. She moved after I was married two years which really made things difficult for me. Was it guilt that kept me here? I wonder every now and then was this the right choice? The title of this blog is so true...we really need to consider the whole picture when making choices. Im not certain if I did that. I lived in the moment without thinking that Mom would one day be old and I have no family here to help me. Perhaps if I had not stayed so close Mom would have moved with my sister instead. I have moved on and have accepted the reality that there is no other family here to give us breaks. I believe this experience has made me a better parent. My son came to me upset the other day and said Mom, I dont know what to do. His girlfriends birthday is on Mothers Day. I said to him, I never want you to forget me, I never want you to disrespect me and I always want you to love me however I also want to clip the wings. Im not certain this girlfriend will one day be my daughter in law but regardless for now she is very important and I said you must put the love in your life first, not me. I dont ever want him to feel guilt about conducting his life because he is an only child and must worry about me. Some may not agree with me.
Do you ever wonder if you made the right choices that led to your caregiving role?
Depsite the past the main thing is today choosing things that I will be happy with later on. I am very blessed. I have many happy memories. You just cant help wondering sometimes!!


  1. We do what we think is right at the time and sometimes don't have the time to ponder the consequences. Blind faith is useful I find. Someone once said that God will never give you more than you can cope with. I really hope that is true.............

  2. I just wrote after your comment that we chose to take care of mom years ago. I never even considered what we would be going through these last 4 years because I didn't have the knowledge and understanding of it all. It has been hands on learning 101 for sure. I wanted to respond to Denise's question yesterday about how I have grown as a caregiver, and I couldn't put it together because first to grow...I (I)...had to die...then I began to grow and develop into the one who could give all her time and attention, emotions and strength to. That has balanced out more these last months. I know that all I have gone through will be put to use helping other caregivers and that is my goal and what propels me forward. If I could have seen our future in all this, before I made that commitment to her...I may have run screaming in the other direction, who knows lol, but this is where we have been, this is where we are, and I can see where we are going to from this point, helping others like us.