Monday, April 26, 2010

Wisdom Is Choosing Now What You Will Be Happy With Later

I was talking to my sister about this yesterday. My dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer shortly after I got engaged. We were originally going to get married in November of 1980 but as dad began declining we decided to push it to August instead. Luckily we did this as dad passed away November of 1980. Planning the wedding was difficult. The day of my wedding my mother was understandably upset and was crying and kept saying things like everyone was leaving her and she hopes I would never forget her. Of course I promised her I would never forget her nor was I leaving her. And leaving her I never did. I stayed in the same neighborhood as her and we are still here with her. Should I have moved to a different neighborhood back then when Mom was still young and working? My Sister still lived in New York at the time. She moved after I was married two years which really made things difficult for me. Was it guilt that kept me here? I wonder every now and then was this the right choice? The title of this blog is so true...we really need to consider the whole picture when making choices. Im not certain if I did that. I lived in the moment without thinking that Mom would one day be old and I have no family here to help me. Perhaps if I had not stayed so close Mom would have moved with my sister instead. I have moved on and have accepted the reality that there is no other family here to give us breaks. I believe this experience has made me a better parent. My son came to me upset the other day and said Mom, I dont know what to do. His girlfriends birthday is on Mothers Day. I said to him, I never want you to forget me, I never want you to disrespect me and I always want you to love me however I also want to clip the wings. Im not certain this girlfriend will one day be my daughter in law but regardless for now she is very important and I said you must put the love in your life first, not me. I dont ever want him to feel guilt about conducting his life because he is an only child and must worry about me. Some may not agree with me.
Do you ever wonder if you made the right choices that led to your caregiving role?
Depsite the past the main thing is today choosing things that I will be happy with later on. I am very blessed. I have many happy memories. You just cant help wondering sometimes!!

Thursday, April 22, 2010

All My Hugs All My Kisses

The anniversary of my Aunts death is quickly approaching. I can hardly believe it will soon be four years since we had our final good bye hug and kiss. The sun was streaming brightly through the hospital window as it was rising 6:30 a.m. It was just she and I as I whispered in her ear I would miss her so much and that I loved her and thanked her for being that wonderful Aunt she was to me all my life. I was blessed to have her and that it was ok. I will be ok. You can leave. She always protected me and gave me lots of hugs and kisses and she then took her last breath. It was like a hug and kiss because I know she knew Kevin would be leaving for work in Manhattan and if I did not make the call soon to say she passed away I would be stranded there with no ride home for hours and hours until he got back to me. I know my Aunt!!..That was exactly what she was thinking. Those hugs and kisses were so special and meaningful that I still feel them each and every day. Her body and wonderful smile left but her soul lives within me. She made me the person I am. She was always someone everyone could count on!! She cared for so many people and was always doing nice things for everyone. Her relatives hurt her so much but she found forgiveness in her heart. She found her wings to fly despite the clouds. Her doors were always wide open and welcomed company and she always had that piece of cake waiting to be defrosted in the freezer. She enjoyed long conversations and thought I was the funniest person in the world. She took pictures of things like televisions and kitchen cabinets and houseplants that at the time made us all laugh hysterically but now are wonderful mementos filled with memories. She was light in the darkness and just kept travelling lifes very difficult road. She was one of my very best friends but I realize that isnt true. Im my own best friend thanks to her!!...I love you Aunt Hilda...

Friday, April 16, 2010

Shopping In My Own Closet Isnt All That Bad

I cant believe it will be a year since I stopped working to spend more time with Mom in two more months...Boy, the time sure flew!!
Has it always been easy???? Honestly not always.
Every job has its moments though....even when I was working outside the home there were days I wish I could quit but kept going.

I am usually ok. This is a very special job I am doing. I will admit I do miss my girly indulgences like manicures, pedicures and visits to dressbarn for a new outfit. I am totally not thrilled when I see the gray roots on top of my head as I try to stretch the hair cuts and color. I would be lying if I said when Im in the company of those working outside the home I am not intimidated. They look like I used to.

I am working on this...I sabotage myself constantly. I am working on focusing on the haves and not what Im lacking. I remind myself all those outfits hanging in the closet were purchased when I was one of "them" so go shopping in there and wear them proudly in this new job.

God put me here to do this very special and important job. Sacrifices are necessary but really they are benefiting me so much in this journey as I am learning life lessons....Life goes on with gray roots, short nails and old outfits. they really are cover ups for what is inside....the book cover might be a bit wrinkled these days however keep reading because the story is a great one. I found I have a huge heart and that is worth every manicure, pedicure, outfit and pair of shoes I ever purchased..........

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

If A Relationship Has Meaning Do I Keep Mending The Fences?

I believe in family. I believe in families uniting no matter what!.

Well, at least I want to believe that! I always did believe that! Am I right?

Im beginning to feel lately like I am the only family member that feels this way. My mother had her heart attack two and a half years ago and my sister came once Mom arrived home from her three week hospitalization to help me for which I was grateful. My nephew and his wife drove up from Georgia to help me move a few things here when I broke up Moms home, and my other niece came for a weekend to see Grandma. They have not made the trip since. I along with my husband have orchestrated visits even before Mom came here with us. I must admit, I am getting tired.

Easter came and cards from grandchildren, no phone calls......

I ask myself, why am I bothering? Im here...Im doing the right thing! Why do I care if they keep in touch? Why????
I cannot find the answer....
I suppose I wish they cared as much as I do.
I believe it is fear however...I believe I am trying to keep the glue together for I only have one sister and I think once Mom is gone we may no longer really keep in touch and that makes me sad. I feel if they are not caring for Mom they surely are not going to remember me!!

I always felt family to be important. I tried to lend a hand during many bad times they experienced down there...I tried hard!!! Im not looking for a thank you...I just wonder, are acts of kindness just one sided? Am i being overly sensitive?

I dont know the answers. I do know I am proud of my kind heart, and I know I am doing the right thing....So, do I keep mending fences to keep I leave the hole in the fence and let them crawl through it themselves or do I ignore the broken fence? The only thing I do know for sure is I dont want to throw it away and forget it completely....!!!

Communication is the key to harmonious relationships. I know that!!...I just cannot tell other people what to do!!...Not to mention it would probably cause a huger hole in the fence....

For now I will keep smiling on my end of the fence. I will work hard and try to keep a joyful attitude. I have to keep my side of the fence strong because peeking through the hole will only distract me and the work I was put here to do. Maybe one day others will peek over to my side and understand! So for a little while i will quietly stay on my side and we will see what will be!!!