When we were younger and I looked to the future and tried to make plans for various things Moms famous line was you cant make plans!!..That used to frustrate me so much. I always thought, and part of me still does feel, that comment was so negative. We have to plan for the future. We have to at times have things to look forward to.
Now that I am older I do understand what she meant. We can try to make plans with the hopes that they will go smoothly but life is incredibly unpredictable. There are so many things that just happen that are totally out of our control. We can try to tell God our plan but unfortunately he really is the one to decide if he is going to let our plans happen.
Caregivers most definately experience setbacks in their lives. We understand that sacrifice is rewarding but that doesnt always make the experience easy. We try to make plans but we really do put our lives on hold for the person for whom we are caring. We put our spouses on the back burner lots of the time, we put our interests aside sometimes.
I know lots of time when I try to make plans to escape for a while Im faced with a setback. It can be so terribly discouraging when you plan a fun afternoon away and something happens and you are unable to go. Setbacks!!...so frustrating!!
Again however we cannot predict everything in life. I must try to not let the setbacks deflate me. I must try hard to continue to find the sunshine when the cloud looms above. While its not acceptable to whine and complain it is fine to speak of the setbacks. The world may not understand your sadness however another caregiver will.
We dont get a lot of thank you's when our role is the main family member for the caregiver. While it may not have felt like a choice I know I chose this role. Im doing the best I can however once in a while it sure would be nice to leave this for a bit. I thank anyone that understands how hard this can be.
Most days are good. It is sometimes when I experience a setback that I feel sad. Knowing others feel this way helps me. I say thank you to all the caregivers out there. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!.....I now will try to begin a new day, I will expect the best, prepare for the worse, but try to celebrate through all......even the setbacks!!
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Caregivers require a special skill to plan, then except when that plan cannot be carried out...the disappointment and frustration of it. It is almost like they do not have the right to plan, to have a life outside of the life of a caregiver. Be tenacious, continue to plan, you need to. But learn one of the skills, acceptance...and peace in that acceptance. He sees, He knows, you are one of His Special Treasures my friend :)
ReplyDeleteMy mantra is quiet acceptance Donna. Not in a defeatist way but I do expect as a carer that I will have to miss opportunities that I would have once jumped at. I do understand what you are saying and as you say it is ONLY carers who seem to understand. I have even had negative comments about me taking "time out" from my husband which makes me think that I am not allowed to have any life as me.
ReplyDeleteI have to have things to look forward; if I thought that I could lose my "self" I am not sure I could keep smiling. My friends look after me - I am blessed with them . I did not volunteer for the role as carer; how many of us do?? It just happened; I am his wife ; who else would be his carer??
So like you I have good days but just as before his accident there are days when I do not get my own way and wonder why. Then I realise why .........
Thank you Donna for this great post. I have stopped planning because like you said the setbacks are hard. When someone says they will be over and bring me lunch or we can go out or they will watch mom and I can go out. I used to get so excited and than half the time it does not happen and my day is ruined so I have told everyone to surprise me that way I don't wait on them all day. And thanks for visiting my blog and thanks for the nice comments. Come back anytime.
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