It is amazing how I became the Mom to Mom. I was doing better at letting her go independantly on the little mini van that picks her up at home to take her to a little ladies group or to the beauty salon. When it arrives I escort her on and I know those two locations have reliable people to see her get off as well as sit with her and wait for the return trip. I was really getting used to it until she had her latest episode with her heart. Last week I asked a neighbor to drive her to spend time with her friends. This week they are having a Christmas party and of course she wants to go and she does not want me to ask the neighbor. She wants me to let her go on the van. I know I am making my decision based on emotions. While of course I dont want anything to happen to Mom it also scares me because if something happens it will further complicate my life. I know that sounds selfish. Lets face it however, should she fall or slip and break her hip Im really going to have my job ahead of me. I dont know why Im thinking this way. I know it is ridiculous. I know I am going to draw negative to me just for these horrible visions. I know that something could happen with me there just as it can with her alone. I know all of this. I dont know why Im feeling so concerned to let her go.
I do know that I must. I do know that I will. I do know that all will turn out fine. I do know that I cant fix everything. I do...Im just being truthful when I write it is hard to not hold her hand. I try so hard to protect her. I know things are out of my control. I know this. I take her to the doctor regularly, she has blood work aall the time and the fact her artery was getting blocked was not noticed by anyone is a sure reminder there are things I cannot control.
I must stop being overly protective based on what ifs and emotions. I now know how she felt on my first day of school, or my first date, or whatever she saw me leave her to do with prayers I come home safe. Just like I survived, so will she.