When we were younger and I looked to the future and tried to make plans for various things Moms famous line was you cant make plans!!..That used to frustrate me so much. I always thought, and part of me still does feel, that comment was so negative. We have to plan for the future. We have to at times have things to look forward to.
Now that I am older I do understand what she meant. We can try to make plans with the hopes that they will go smoothly but life is incredibly unpredictable. There are so many things that just happen that are totally out of our control. We can try to tell God our plan but unfortunately he really is the one to decide if he is going to let our plans happen.
Caregivers most definately experience setbacks in their lives. We understand that sacrifice is rewarding but that doesnt always make the experience easy. We try to make plans but we really do put our lives on hold for the person for whom we are caring. We put our spouses on the back burner lots of the time, we put our interests aside sometimes.
I know lots of time when I try to make plans to escape for a while Im faced with a setback. It can be so terribly discouraging when you plan a fun afternoon away and something happens and you are unable to go. Setbacks!!...so frustrating!!
Again however we cannot predict everything in life. I must try to not let the setbacks deflate me. I must try hard to continue to find the sunshine when the cloud looms above. While its not acceptable to whine and complain it is fine to speak of the setbacks. The world may not understand your sadness however another caregiver will.
We dont get a lot of thank you's when our role is the main family member for the caregiver. While it may not have felt like a choice I know I chose this role. Im doing the best I can however once in a while it sure would be nice to leave this for a bit. I thank anyone that understands how hard this can be.
Most days are good. It is sometimes when I experience a setback that I feel sad. Knowing others feel this way helps me. I say thank you to all the caregivers out there. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!.....I now will try to begin a new day, I will expect the best, prepare for the worse, but try to celebrate through all......even the setbacks!!
Friday, October 15, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
My Own Best Friend
All jobs are difficult and everyone has problems in them from time to time. We dont constantly talk of the problems because who wants to listen. Everyone has their own dilemmas and life challenges to get through.
Caring for your elderly parent really should not be called a job however at times I do refer to it as one. When people I just meet ask so "what do you do?" my reply is I am home with my mom. She will be 92 in January and I stopped working a year ago to spend more time and to motivate her day.
I know myself that this is not the most exciting job on the universe. I believe my rewards will come through memories later on. For now I believe only another caregiver could understand the impact of the job. We tend to keep our sadness or complaints to ourselves more than others as there are some that look down if you complain about the frustrations of an elderly parent or a sick spouse. You made a vow after all for better or worse, and I hear all the time, how bad can it be, she is so cute and she did take care of you afterall.
I have to learn to be my own best friend. I have to learn that it is ok to at times feel frustrated, sad, lonely and emotional. I tend to express that everying is fine when asked versus saying it does get lonely here sometimes.
Its not all glum however. It truly isnt! Mom and I have afternoons of laughter lots of the time, she taught me to be more organized as her eyesight is so bad and when things are in order she just finds them easier. She taught me compassion as I myself will one day be her and will want to be treated with dignity. She teaches me patience and she is always telling me I need to talk lower. Lately surprisingly she actually finds me funny. She never liked my sense of humor but all of a sudden she is laughing more at things I say.
We all want to feel loved and needed and important in some way. You dont get raises, bonuses, sick days, vacations and weekends pretty much are the same as Monday to us. However when Mom compliments my cooking to someone on the phone with phrases like you always get a good meal in this place or when she says Im very fortunate, I have a very good daughter it makes it all worthwhile.
Its not always easy and on the days it isnt I have to be my own best girlfriend and tell her its ok...its hard...but keep telling her your doing a great job. And keep that sense of humor girlfriend. I have to program these thoughts into my brain on those days. If a sad or emotional friend called me on the phone I would have the words for her, so I deserve to tell them to myself as well.
When I see Mom in the recliner or out with her friends at the center somehow the sacrifices dont seem so bad. And she always remembers to call out for me to take a break from whatever I am doing at 3:00 to say its time for coffee Donna!!
These are the thoughts that will give me peace later on. I know this to be true as I have done this once before. You forget all the frustrations when there gone. You truly do. It is the good times that you will hold in your heart.
Be your own best friend and feel the painful times and know they are ok and embrace all the wonderful memories......
Caring for your elderly parent really should not be called a job however at times I do refer to it as one. When people I just meet ask so "what do you do?" my reply is I am home with my mom. She will be 92 in January and I stopped working a year ago to spend more time and to motivate her day.
I know myself that this is not the most exciting job on the universe. I believe my rewards will come through memories later on. For now I believe only another caregiver could understand the impact of the job. We tend to keep our sadness or complaints to ourselves more than others as there are some that look down if you complain about the frustrations of an elderly parent or a sick spouse. You made a vow after all for better or worse, and I hear all the time, how bad can it be, she is so cute and she did take care of you afterall.
I have to learn to be my own best friend. I have to learn that it is ok to at times feel frustrated, sad, lonely and emotional. I tend to express that everying is fine when asked versus saying it does get lonely here sometimes.
Its not all glum however. It truly isnt! Mom and I have afternoons of laughter lots of the time, she taught me to be more organized as her eyesight is so bad and when things are in order she just finds them easier. She taught me compassion as I myself will one day be her and will want to be treated with dignity. She teaches me patience and she is always telling me I need to talk lower. Lately surprisingly she actually finds me funny. She never liked my sense of humor but all of a sudden she is laughing more at things I say.
We all want to feel loved and needed and important in some way. You dont get raises, bonuses, sick days, vacations and weekends pretty much are the same as Monday to us. However when Mom compliments my cooking to someone on the phone with phrases like you always get a good meal in this place or when she says Im very fortunate, I have a very good daughter it makes it all worthwhile.
Its not always easy and on the days it isnt I have to be my own best girlfriend and tell her its ok...its hard...but keep telling her your doing a great job. And keep that sense of humor girlfriend. I have to program these thoughts into my brain on those days. If a sad or emotional friend called me on the phone I would have the words for her, so I deserve to tell them to myself as well.
When I see Mom in the recliner or out with her friends at the center somehow the sacrifices dont seem so bad. And she always remembers to call out for me to take a break from whatever I am doing at 3:00 to say its time for coffee Donna!!
These are the thoughts that will give me peace later on. I know this to be true as I have done this once before. You forget all the frustrations when there gone. You truly do. It is the good times that you will hold in your heart.
Be your own best friend and feel the painful times and know they are ok and embrace all the wonderful memories......
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Things Dont Work Like They Used To
Did you ever experience a cluster of days where things little bylittle just stopped working the way they were meant to. That is me this week for sure!!
Our main computer froze the other day and we still have not been able to "thaw" it out, the kitchen light starter is broken and takes a few minutes to get warmed up, we are experiencing rain and the telephone line is full of static and Moms doorknob just fell off her bedroom door as I picked it up with my migraine I woke up with this morning. I suddenly just started laughing and said to Mom, man we have more broken things around here lately than things that work.
I then was reminded of my day on Tuesday. I volunteer at Moms senior center as I thought it was a good way for her to get out more as well as fill my need of wanting to find something for which I could give back to the world. Tuesday was a Fall party at the center and it was a lot of fun and I helped serve the lunches. After lunch the music began and I watched all these elderly people with their walkers, canes, hearing aids, bad eyes, missing teeth and many aches and pains singing and dancing and clapping. Behind me sat a younger gentleman who apparently had a stroke who was paralyzed but he asked his aid to help him out of the wheelchair and he began to move back and forth to the music and was smiling as well.
All these wonderful people have lost so much. They were not focusing on all the things that no longer worked. They joined together and did not focus on all those things but instead chose to continue despite them.
It is so easy to focus on the broken things. I realize while writing this that at times I hinder Mom from all the things she can still continue to do to make my life more convenient.
When she asks me at lunchtime would you like me to make our sandwiches I usually say no I can do that. I selfishly dont want the crumbs, and the mustard on the counter and what I refer to as cleanup in aisle three moments. I have to learn to compromise however. She can still make the sandwich. She wants to make them. She needs to feel useful. We all do!
I knew when I made the decision to join homes that it was not always going to be easy to share our five rooms as I had done it with Aunt Hilda. I also know however I invited her to give her a better way of life. I have come a long way with her. I however must focus on all the things that continue to work and allow her to do those things for which she is able despite them perhaps not being done perfectly.
I must stop complaining!....My headache is not a big deal compared to others problems, I have my laptop so the computer being broken is not something to over react over, the kitchen light turns on slowly, Im not left in the dark and so what there is static on the phone....I can still hear the person on the other end. I may have to count to 100 when Mom peels potatoes as Im running around the kitchen grabbing the flying skins so my little shit tzu doesnt choke to death. I have to remember, focus on what works!! Hey,I can still count to 100!!. Its not always easy but the end result I know when done correctly will be worth it.
Mom can no longer do many things for which I can see the sadness in her eyes. But like all those wonderful people on Tuesday they were encouraging each other to keep on going despite the broken things. I must learn to keep encouraging her as well!!
I close by saying, wow Mom, that afgan your working on is really coming out NICE!! and you know it really is.....its actuall Beautiful as is She!!
Our main computer froze the other day and we still have not been able to "thaw" it out, the kitchen light starter is broken and takes a few minutes to get warmed up, we are experiencing rain and the telephone line is full of static and Moms doorknob just fell off her bedroom door as I picked it up with my migraine I woke up with this morning. I suddenly just started laughing and said to Mom, man we have more broken things around here lately than things that work.
I then was reminded of my day on Tuesday. I volunteer at Moms senior center as I thought it was a good way for her to get out more as well as fill my need of wanting to find something for which I could give back to the world. Tuesday was a Fall party at the center and it was a lot of fun and I helped serve the lunches. After lunch the music began and I watched all these elderly people with their walkers, canes, hearing aids, bad eyes, missing teeth and many aches and pains singing and dancing and clapping. Behind me sat a younger gentleman who apparently had a stroke who was paralyzed but he asked his aid to help him out of the wheelchair and he began to move back and forth to the music and was smiling as well.
All these wonderful people have lost so much. They were not focusing on all the things that no longer worked. They joined together and did not focus on all those things but instead chose to continue despite them.
It is so easy to focus on the broken things. I realize while writing this that at times I hinder Mom from all the things she can still continue to do to make my life more convenient.
When she asks me at lunchtime would you like me to make our sandwiches I usually say no I can do that. I selfishly dont want the crumbs, and the mustard on the counter and what I refer to as cleanup in aisle three moments. I have to learn to compromise however. She can still make the sandwich. She wants to make them. She needs to feel useful. We all do!
I knew when I made the decision to join homes that it was not always going to be easy to share our five rooms as I had done it with Aunt Hilda. I also know however I invited her to give her a better way of life. I have come a long way with her. I however must focus on all the things that continue to work and allow her to do those things for which she is able despite them perhaps not being done perfectly.
I must stop complaining!....My headache is not a big deal compared to others problems, I have my laptop so the computer being broken is not something to over react over, the kitchen light turns on slowly, Im not left in the dark and so what there is static on the phone....I can still hear the person on the other end. I may have to count to 100 when Mom peels potatoes as Im running around the kitchen grabbing the flying skins so my little shit tzu doesnt choke to death. I have to remember, focus on what works!! Hey,I can still count to 100!!. Its not always easy but the end result I know when done correctly will be worth it.
Mom can no longer do many things for which I can see the sadness in her eyes. But like all those wonderful people on Tuesday they were encouraging each other to keep on going despite the broken things. I must learn to keep encouraging her as well!!
I close by saying, wow Mom, that afgan your working on is really coming out NICE!! and you know it really is.....its actuall Beautiful as is She!!
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Ingredients Of A Perfect Day
Last week Kevin and I dropped Mom off at church bingo and then enjoyed a nice breakfast, a walk in the park and just a little bit of time alone which is rare these days. It was almost time to pick Mom back up and I sadly said, Man, Im 51 years old! When will we be able to pick up and go and stop having to look at our watches? That day I felt the ingredients for a perfect day would be you, me and no watches.
The next day I read a blog a good caregiver friend wrote. Her name also is Donna and she cared for her Mom for many years. Her Mom suffered dementia and it was a very long journey but Donna cared for her right to the very end. Donna gave her Mom so much love despite the fact she no longer recognized her. Donna was so incredibly patient and sacrificed so much for her Mom with absolutely no regrets. This past August her Mom passed away and Donna wrote a fabulous piece on feeling like an adult orphan. How does one heal once Mom is no longer here?
As I was reading the piece I thought to myself, I really need to be careful what I wish for. We sometimes think things will be so much better once our carees are no longer with us. Despite the stress we all face we will never know what it is like to lose them until we are going through it ourselves.
I realized reading that piece that at times I focus way too much on things lost and what I cant do versus appreciating the things I do have. I have to learn to stop asking why as God knows the answer to this queistion. I waste so much time questioning and in doing so I lose out on many beautiful things.
Today we once again dropped Mom off at bingo. We took a beautiful drive way out on Long Island and bought homemade pies and jam and enjoyed country roads. Yes, we did have to keep our eye on our watches as Mom needed to be picked up. Instead of being sad however I was glad for the time we did have together. I am also blessed Mom is still here to enjoy the pie a la mode tonight as well.
It is not always easy but always be careful what you wish for. What you define as the ingredients of a perfect day today could change later on. Make the best of the situation each day. Those to me are the ingredients of a perfecct day.
Thanks to my friend Donna for this reminder.
The next day I read a blog a good caregiver friend wrote. Her name also is Donna and she cared for her Mom for many years. Her Mom suffered dementia and it was a very long journey but Donna cared for her right to the very end. Donna gave her Mom so much love despite the fact she no longer recognized her. Donna was so incredibly patient and sacrificed so much for her Mom with absolutely no regrets. This past August her Mom passed away and Donna wrote a fabulous piece on feeling like an adult orphan. How does one heal once Mom is no longer here?
As I was reading the piece I thought to myself, I really need to be careful what I wish for. We sometimes think things will be so much better once our carees are no longer with us. Despite the stress we all face we will never know what it is like to lose them until we are going through it ourselves.
I realized reading that piece that at times I focus way too much on things lost and what I cant do versus appreciating the things I do have. I have to learn to stop asking why as God knows the answer to this queistion. I waste so much time questioning and in doing so I lose out on many beautiful things.
Today we once again dropped Mom off at bingo. We took a beautiful drive way out on Long Island and bought homemade pies and jam and enjoyed country roads. Yes, we did have to keep our eye on our watches as Mom needed to be picked up. Instead of being sad however I was glad for the time we did have together. I am also blessed Mom is still here to enjoy the pie a la mode tonight as well.
It is not always easy but always be careful what you wish for. What you define as the ingredients of a perfect day today could change later on. Make the best of the situation each day. Those to me are the ingredients of a perfecct day.
Thanks to my friend Donna for this reminder.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Cracks In Foundations
This morning Queens looks like a bit of a war zone. It has not been confirmed yet but there are reports that we experienced a tornado here yesterday. You can define the storm any way you would like. I define it as incredibly scarey.
The sky got so incredibly dark, and the winds picked up with a harsh howl. You can hear outside the window garbage pails and other odds and ends just blowing all around. The news was urging we go into basements and take cover. I was so frightened as I was home alone with my Mom as well as concerned for my husband who was in Manhattan working.
The storm departed almost as quickly as it arrived. It sure did cause lots of cracks in foundations around the community. It taught me however that we just dont know what roads we will one day be travelling. I learned that we just have to wake up and use our time wisely. I learned we have to keep the faith for God knows the entire story even if I dont.
We all have cracks in our foundations that need repairing. Just like the trees and all of the damage some will be repaired, however Im sure there are some that will just have to remain. Today we all will try our best to conduct our lives despite all the cracks we face.
Fix what you can, dont stress over what you cannot and use the experience to learn and grow. That is all we can do. Cracks in the foundation for me was a huge lesson. Embrace each day despite them.
The sky got so incredibly dark, and the winds picked up with a harsh howl. You can hear outside the window garbage pails and other odds and ends just blowing all around. The news was urging we go into basements and take cover. I was so frightened as I was home alone with my Mom as well as concerned for my husband who was in Manhattan working.
The storm departed almost as quickly as it arrived. It sure did cause lots of cracks in foundations around the community. It taught me however that we just dont know what roads we will one day be travelling. I learned that we just have to wake up and use our time wisely. I learned we have to keep the faith for God knows the entire story even if I dont.
We all have cracks in our foundations that need repairing. Just like the trees and all of the damage some will be repaired, however Im sure there are some that will just have to remain. Today we all will try our best to conduct our lives despite all the cracks we face.
Fix what you can, dont stress over what you cannot and use the experience to learn and grow. That is all we can do. Cracks in the foundation for me was a huge lesson. Embrace each day despite them.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Numbers
I have been thinking lately of all the numbers I have in my mind to remember.
What is todays date?
What is todays temperature? How do I dress and how do I plan my day?
What time is it?
Are there any important celebrations for which i need to acknowledge (dates)
Are there any phone calls I need to make (phone numbers)
Are there any letters I need to write (addresses)
What channel is moms soap net on again? she missed days of our lives yesterday
What was my number code to listen to my voice mail again?
I must type in the prescription numbers to renew moms medicine with cvs
What is Moms access a ride ID # again...I must make an appointment (numbers) to get her hair done tomorrow
I must remember to weigh Mom this week to make sure there isnt a lot of water in her body
What size did you say you needed me to order your housecoat in
How many pancakes do you want Mom?
How much money do we need to take out of the bank for groceries this week
Mom reminding me that despite my being 51 and she being 91 it is just a number
Numbers, Numbers, Numbers!!!!!.......The main number to remember is 1!!!! We caregivers are all Number One!! Shout it Out!!....
We have so much to remember but we always seem to get it all done and remember each and everyone of them.........
I probably forgot to list some numbers however ...... feel free to remind me of anything I did not mention..........
What is todays date?
What is todays temperature? How do I dress and how do I plan my day?
What time is it?
Are there any important celebrations for which i need to acknowledge (dates)
Are there any phone calls I need to make (phone numbers)
Are there any letters I need to write (addresses)
What channel is moms soap net on again? she missed days of our lives yesterday
What was my number code to listen to my voice mail again?
I must type in the prescription numbers to renew moms medicine with cvs
What is Moms access a ride ID # again...I must make an appointment (numbers) to get her hair done tomorrow
I must remember to weigh Mom this week to make sure there isnt a lot of water in her body
What size did you say you needed me to order your housecoat in
How many pancakes do you want Mom?
How much money do we need to take out of the bank for groceries this week
Mom reminding me that despite my being 51 and she being 91 it is just a number
Numbers, Numbers, Numbers!!!!!.......The main number to remember is 1!!!! We caregivers are all Number One!! Shout it Out!!....
We have so much to remember but we always seem to get it all done and remember each and everyone of them.........
I probably forgot to list some numbers however ...... feel free to remind me of anything I did not mention..........
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Reactions
I sometimes feel I have to change the way I react to things especially when it comes to my Mother. A few weeks ago she was pouring boiling water into a coffee mug to have tea but her eyesight is so poor and she did not see the water spilling all over the place. I was so concerned that she not burn herself and I said Mom, you need me to do that for you I think but I said it rather harshly. I dont do it to hurt her feelings, it truly is so that she wont get hurt. It is so hard as I dont want to always make her feel like she is being reprimanded. I know at times my reaction causes her more stress. I thought about the word react and once you unscramble the letters you will see four of them create care. The only reason I am reacting the way I am is because I care. I must unscramble my mind like I did the word and realize kind actions and not excited words would serve me better....I will learn to lower my voice and speak calmer when these mishaps happen....wish me luck!!!!!!
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