The Greatest Gift

We all think during this hectic time of year that includes shopping and wrapping that those boxes and gift bags are so important...
Yes, a pretty wrapped gift is fun. I suppose we all enjoy receiving one or two. I will admit I do. I suppose if I was not remembered at all by anyone it would make me sad so of course I do appreciate the fun in opening the paper and appreciation that I received something nice.
I however never define these as the greatest gifts.
My greatest gift is my husband. I was the girl who wore glasses and was most definately not the most popular. A friend showed me a picture of this really cute guy and said I think I want you to meet him. I said, I will definately meet him but he is never going to go out with me in a million years. I remember the first day and how nervous I was. Well, that cute guy saw something in that shy nerdy girl and despite my moms trying to protect me (I think she thought there was no way he was dating me long too as she told me not to get my hopes up after each date lol) we have been together 32 years and married 30. He truly is my gift and dream come true.
My second greatest gift truly is my son. I am honoured to say Im his Mom. He truly was a joy to raise and I call him the best job I will ever have in my life. I never knew a person could feel such love in their hearts for someone.
For me those are my greatest gifts. While opening your boxes this weekend appreciate them but look around you. It isnt the bows, ribbons and things.....its the ones you are with that are the gifts for which you will keep receiving so much joy.
Happy Holidays Everyone.....

Separating Emotions When Making Decisions

It is amazing how I became the Mom to Mom. I was doing better at letting her go independantly on the little mini van that picks her up at home to take her to a little ladies group or to the beauty salon. When it arrives I escort her on and I know those two locations have reliable people to see her get off as well as sit with her and wait for the return trip. I was really getting used to it until she had her latest episode with her heart. Last week I asked a neighbor to drive her to spend time with her friends. This week they are having a Christmas party and of course she wants to go and she does not want me to ask the neighbor. She wants me to let her go on the van. I know I am making my decision based on emotions. While of course I dont want anything to happen to Mom it also scares me because if something happens it will further complicate my life. I know that sounds selfish. Lets face it however, should she fall or slip and break her hip Im really going to have my job ahead of me. I dont know why Im thinking this way. I know it is ridiculous. I know I am going to draw negative to me just for these horrible visions. I know that something could happen with me there just as it can with her alone. I know all of this. I dont know why Im feeling so concerned to let her go.
I do know that I must. I do know that I will. I do know that all will turn out fine. I do know that I cant fix everything. I do...Im just being truthful when I write it is hard to not hold her hand. I try so hard to protect her. I know things are out of my control. I know this. I take her to the doctor regularly, she has blood work aall the time and the fact her artery was getting blocked was not noticed by anyone is a sure reminder there are things I cannot control.
I must stop being overly protective based on what ifs and emotions. I now know how she felt on my first day of school, or my first date, or whatever she saw me leave her to do with prayers I come home safe. Just like I survived, so will she.

Always Go With Your Gut Feelings

It has been one roller coaster of a week here for me. I have noticed now and then the past few weeks that my mom just did not seem right to me. I could not quite put my finger on what was bothering me about her but my gut just told me something was not right. Well, Tuesday morning she woke up a little earlier than usual and said she had chest pain and could I give her an aspirin. I immediately did give her the aspirin and I put her in the recliner to rest while I quickly showered. When I came out I asked her how she felt and she said it was a bit better however the pain was still there. I calmly said well Mom, Im sure it is gas but the Thanksgiving holiday is here in two days and I think it best we just clear out minds and Im calling 911 to take you to the hospital. She of course protested but I inisisted as my gut was telling me something was wrong. I dressed her, called her cardiologist to make him aware of my plans and then dialed 911. Long story short as soon as the cardiologist got the fax from the emergency room of moms cardiogram he called my cellphone to inform me that 2:00 that afternoon he was going to perform a catheterization and see what was going on. What was going on turned out that she had another blockage in her right artery this time. It was 99% blocked and he put a new stent in that day. Her doctor told me good catch...she was weeks away from a major heart attack. The crazy thing about this story is November 21, 2007 is when she had her first stent and here November 23, 2010 she had another one..three years later. She was kept overnight and came home yesterday. We were supposed to go to my inlaws for Thanksgiving so Idid not have any ot the fixings in the house but ran to the store immediately once she was settled home and got everthing in. I made her the traditional Thanksgiving and while it was just my husband, mom and myself it was a wonderful, calm and restful day. Our guts are filled with good food now and grateful I listened to it on Tuesday.

Eliminating Guilt

When my son was young and we were raising him I always had a rule with my husband. We had to try our best every once in a while to get a baby sitter and go out to either a movie or dinner or even just a cup of coffee. I always believed that it was important to keep our relationship and interests strong as one day Sean would grow up and we would still need to have common interests.

Sean is now grown and Kevin and I have common interests for which Im grateful. I am finding it harder however to not feel guilty picking up and going to dinner and leaving Mom all alone in the recliner. When Sean was small and we left him for a while he anticipated happily going to the aunts or uncles or grandmas house while mom and dad were away. Mom sits all alone when I leave. That makes me feel incredibly guilty and sad.

Kevin is so great about all of this. In my heart I know I am a good daughter and do lots of things with Mom. I must push myself to take the time with Kevin as I know Mom will be absolutely fine. We all need separation from one another from time to time. We all cannot be together every second of the day.

I invited Kevin to a movie tomorrow night and perhaps a burger afterwards. Date night. I will be sure Mom has dinner before we leave and I promised her we will take her to church Sunday and breakfast afterwards. Compromise I hope will help me enjoy the movie and not feel guilty leaving her all alone. Wish me luck!!!

Things Change, Nothing Stays The Same

I have been thinking lately how things are constantly changing in my life. I grew up, met my husband, got married, had my son, watched him grow, saw my dad get sick and then died, see my mom age and move in. We lose loved ones and then others are born to take their place. Some days are wonderful and then there are times where we feel there is a dark cloud hanging over our heads. Somehow throughout all of these changes we survive. We make it.

When things are going badly or upsetting me I try hard to remember this concept. Nothing stays the same. Whatever I am experiencing right now will not be forever. Nothing is. When things are going wonderful I dont take them for granted either as the same can be true for happiness. Embrace it, appreciate it, be grateful but never take it for granted.

I do believe in positive thinking. I believe in order to have a happy future we must do our best to take care of our current life. I try to stay healthy, and pay down debts. In some instances we do have choices for our future. I know my behaviour at times can hurt me more than help the future. If we live long enough we all are going to be faced with the future.

There are however things that we would never plan in a million years but must deal with. We wake up each day and hope for the best. We ask for strength to get through hard days. We look for opportunities to smile every chance we get.

Things change, nothing stays the same. That is life. Lets all just try to enjoy the ride.

Setbacks

When we were younger and I looked to the future and tried to make plans for various things Moms famous line was you cant make plans!!..That used to frustrate me so much. I always thought, and part of me still does feel, that comment was so negative. We have to plan for the future. We have to at times have things to look forward to.

Now that I am older I do understand what she meant. We can try to make plans with the hopes that they will go smoothly but life is incredibly unpredictable. There are so many things that just happen that are totally out of our control. We can try to tell God our plan but unfortunately he really is the one to decide if he is going to let our plans happen.

Caregivers most definately experience setbacks in their lives. We understand that sacrifice is rewarding but that doesnt always make the experience easy. We try to make plans but we really do put our lives on hold for the person for whom we are caring. We put our spouses on the back burner lots of the time, we put our interests aside sometimes.

I know lots of time when I try to make plans to escape for a while Im faced with a setback. It can be so terribly discouraging when you plan a fun afternoon away and something happens and you are unable to go. Setbacks!!...so frustrating!!

Again however we cannot predict everything in life. I must try to not let the setbacks deflate me. I must try hard to continue to find the sunshine when the cloud looms above. While its not acceptable to whine and complain it is fine to speak of the setbacks. The world may not understand your sadness however another caregiver will.

We dont get a lot of thank you's when our role is the main family member for the caregiver. While it may not have felt like a choice I know I chose this role. Im doing the best I can however once in a while it sure would be nice to leave this for a bit. I thank anyone that understands how hard this can be.

Most days are good. It is sometimes when I experience a setback that I feel sad. Knowing others feel this way helps me. I say thank you to all the caregivers out there. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!.....I now will try to begin a new day, I will expect the best, prepare for the worse, but try to celebrate through all......even the setbacks!!

My Own Best Friend

All jobs are difficult and everyone has problems in them from time to time. We dont constantly talk of the problems because who wants to listen. Everyone has their own dilemmas and life challenges to get through.

Caring for your elderly parent really should not be called a job however at times I do refer to it as one. When people I just meet ask so "what do you do?" my reply is I am home with my mom. She will be 92 in January and I stopped working a year ago to spend more time and to motivate her day.

I know myself that this is not the most exciting job on the universe. I believe my rewards will come through memories later on. For now I believe only another caregiver could understand the impact of the job. We tend to keep our sadness or complaints to ourselves more than others as there are some that look down if you complain about the frustrations of an elderly parent or a sick spouse. You made a vow after all for better or worse, and I hear all the time, how bad can it be, she is so cute and she did take care of you afterall.

I have to learn to be my own best friend. I have to learn that it is ok to at times feel frustrated, sad, lonely and emotional. I tend to express that everying is fine when asked versus saying it does get lonely here sometimes.

Its not all glum however. It truly isnt! Mom and I have afternoons of laughter lots of the time, she taught me to be more organized as her eyesight is so bad and when things are in order she just finds them easier. She taught me compassion as I myself will one day be her and will want to be treated with dignity. She teaches me patience and she is always telling me I need to talk lower. Lately surprisingly she actually finds me funny. She never liked my sense of humor but all of a sudden she is laughing more at things I say.

We all want to feel loved and needed and important in some way. You dont get raises, bonuses, sick days, vacations and weekends pretty much are the same as Monday to us. However when Mom compliments my cooking to someone on the phone with phrases like you always get a good meal in this place or when she says Im very fortunate, I have a very good daughter it makes it all worthwhile.

Its not always easy and on the days it isnt I have to be my own best girlfriend and tell her its ok...its hard...but keep telling her your doing a great job. And keep that sense of humor girlfriend. I have to program these thoughts into my brain on those days. If a sad or emotional friend called me on the phone I would have the words for her, so I deserve to tell them to myself as well.

When I see Mom in the recliner or out with her friends at the center somehow the sacrifices dont seem so bad. And she always remembers to call out for me to take a break from whatever I am doing at 3:00 to say its time for coffee Donna!!

These are the thoughts that will give me peace later on. I know this to be true as I have done this once before. You forget all the frustrations when there gone. You truly do. It is the good times that you will hold in your heart.

Be your own best friend and feel the painful times and know they are ok and embrace all the wonderful memories......