Keep Your Enthusiasm, You Will Be Amazed At Results

Yesterday I participated in Walk for a Cure for breast cancer with my in-laws. My Mother-In-Law is a survivor and my Sister-In-Law gathered as many family members that were able to participate together for this wonderful cause. It was the perfect day and I am so happy that Kevin and I participated.
I proudly wore Pink yesterday. Through the years that was my least favorite color. I was blessed to have much joy with the color BLUE but I had some anger as I would have loved a little PINK in my life.
Through the years you learn acceptance. Until you can accept what you have been blessed with and the journey you were asked to walk you dont see the beauty in the color you own.
When I kissed my sister-in-law goodbye and hugged her with the shouts of a great job today and huge thanks for having the best team leader she thanked me for my enthusiasm.
That is one quality for which I am most proud and I was so happy to have heard someone thank me for it.
We all have envy for others colors. She shares her pinks with me, we share our blues with her.
With enthusiasm and sharing and love and excitement for each and every day we can all share our TRUE colors and when we realize that the world really is an AMAZING place to be.

Blessings During Blizzards

The end of 2010 most certainly was full of events. Lets just say I wasnt bored.

Kevin and I are proud to say we are the parents of a NYPD officer. Getting to graduation however was not easy.

December 26 New York City had a blizzard. That same day we planned a luncheon for 38 people at a nice Irish Pub and my sister and her family were flying in from Atlanta that morning. Thankfully while their flight was slightly delayed they did manage to get here. They were one of the few flights that were not cancelled.

The luncheon slowly was becoming a disappointment as many said they could not come out as the storm was worsening. We thought of cancelling it but was reminded of the cake for 50 waiting to be picked up at the bakery. We decided to go and whoever was there was there. Our feeling at that point was we had to eat anyway.

Thankfully we did have a party of 15 or so. We had budgeted for more so we told them all eat, drink and be merry. Appetizers, the works for everyone. We offered cake to the staff and the few people who were brave enough to eat out that night and bagged some for our guests to take home and we had the rest.

The storm was worsening upon leaving the restaurant. We had mom with us of course and my 85 year old neighbor but it all worked out well.

The next morning at 5AM my son in his formal uniform began walking up a main avenue with another graduate as there was no way we could get cars dug out as the Queens streets were piled with snow. Luckily a van pulled up and offered to drive them to the train and they were so appreciative and grateful.

Kevin, my sister, Seans girlfriend, my niece and her husband bundled up shortly after and began the four mile walk to the train station in the blizzard. I felt so discouraged and upset. This was not the way my boys special day was supposed to be. Tired and cold we made it to Madison Square Garden and I once again felt the blessings. It was the most beautiful ceremony and was more than worth the walk. Unfortunately we had the treck back but after it was all said and done we were grateful people.

Mom was extremely disappointed she did not get to see it but one of our local stations had it on briefly so she saw a glimpse.

Mom is now in Georgia with my sister for a few weeks. Their flight was also delayed. We dropped them at LaGuardia airport on January 1 and saw them go through security. Kevin and I went grocery shopping where we received the call to come back. The flight was cancelled and was rescheduled to the next day at 5PM.

While discouraged we tried to make them laugh. We called it a dress rehearsal and Kevin ran out and got Kentucky Fried chicken and we made the best of the situation although I will say it was getting a bit tense around here.

Sunday came. We stayed at the airport this time. They kept moving them from gate to gate...We saw this while watching the board in the terminal. We nervously could not understand what was going on. Long story short they finally took off at 6:15...just a little over an hour late.

Kevin and I took an ahhhh sigh of relief moment.

It is hard to see the blessings in the blizzard sometimes. I felt so disappointed that it did not go the way I had hoped, dreamed and planned. The cold and gray sky does eventually clear however and the sun returns. When it melts some of the piles of white away my blessings are once again visible. I knew they were always there it was just hard to see through the disappointment.

We made it through the blizzard. All got home safely. Blessings!!!

The Greatest Gift

We all think during this hectic time of year that includes shopping and wrapping that those boxes and gift bags are so important...
Yes, a pretty wrapped gift is fun. I suppose we all enjoy receiving one or two. I will admit I do. I suppose if I was not remembered at all by anyone it would make me sad so of course I do appreciate the fun in opening the paper and appreciation that I received something nice.
I however never define these as the greatest gifts.
My greatest gift is my husband. I was the girl who wore glasses and was most definately not the most popular. A friend showed me a picture of this really cute guy and said I think I want you to meet him. I said, I will definately meet him but he is never going to go out with me in a million years. I remember the first day and how nervous I was. Well, that cute guy saw something in that shy nerdy girl and despite my moms trying to protect me (I think she thought there was no way he was dating me long too as she told me not to get my hopes up after each date lol) we have been together 32 years and married 30. He truly is my gift and dream come true.
My second greatest gift truly is my son. I am honoured to say Im his Mom. He truly was a joy to raise and I call him the best job I will ever have in my life. I never knew a person could feel such love in their hearts for someone.
For me those are my greatest gifts. While opening your boxes this weekend appreciate them but look around you. It isnt the bows, ribbons and things.....its the ones you are with that are the gifts for which you will keep receiving so much joy.
Happy Holidays Everyone.....

Separating Emotions When Making Decisions

It is amazing how I became the Mom to Mom. I was doing better at letting her go independantly on the little mini van that picks her up at home to take her to a little ladies group or to the beauty salon. When it arrives I escort her on and I know those two locations have reliable people to see her get off as well as sit with her and wait for the return trip. I was really getting used to it until she had her latest episode with her heart. Last week I asked a neighbor to drive her to spend time with her friends. This week they are having a Christmas party and of course she wants to go and she does not want me to ask the neighbor. She wants me to let her go on the van. I know I am making my decision based on emotions. While of course I dont want anything to happen to Mom it also scares me because if something happens it will further complicate my life. I know that sounds selfish. Lets face it however, should she fall or slip and break her hip Im really going to have my job ahead of me. I dont know why Im thinking this way. I know it is ridiculous. I know I am going to draw negative to me just for these horrible visions. I know that something could happen with me there just as it can with her alone. I know all of this. I dont know why Im feeling so concerned to let her go.
I do know that I must. I do know that I will. I do know that all will turn out fine. I do know that I cant fix everything. I do...Im just being truthful when I write it is hard to not hold her hand. I try so hard to protect her. I know things are out of my control. I know this. I take her to the doctor regularly, she has blood work aall the time and the fact her artery was getting blocked was not noticed by anyone is a sure reminder there are things I cannot control.
I must stop being overly protective based on what ifs and emotions. I now know how she felt on my first day of school, or my first date, or whatever she saw me leave her to do with prayers I come home safe. Just like I survived, so will she.

Always Go With Your Gut Feelings

It has been one roller coaster of a week here for me. I have noticed now and then the past few weeks that my mom just did not seem right to me. I could not quite put my finger on what was bothering me about her but my gut just told me something was not right. Well, Tuesday morning she woke up a little earlier than usual and said she had chest pain and could I give her an aspirin. I immediately did give her the aspirin and I put her in the recliner to rest while I quickly showered. When I came out I asked her how she felt and she said it was a bit better however the pain was still there. I calmly said well Mom, Im sure it is gas but the Thanksgiving holiday is here in two days and I think it best we just clear out minds and Im calling 911 to take you to the hospital. She of course protested but I inisisted as my gut was telling me something was wrong. I dressed her, called her cardiologist to make him aware of my plans and then dialed 911. Long story short as soon as the cardiologist got the fax from the emergency room of moms cardiogram he called my cellphone to inform me that 2:00 that afternoon he was going to perform a catheterization and see what was going on. What was going on turned out that she had another blockage in her right artery this time. It was 99% blocked and he put a new stent in that day. Her doctor told me good catch...she was weeks away from a major heart attack. The crazy thing about this story is November 21, 2007 is when she had her first stent and here November 23, 2010 she had another one..three years later. She was kept overnight and came home yesterday. We were supposed to go to my inlaws for Thanksgiving so Idid not have any ot the fixings in the house but ran to the store immediately once she was settled home and got everthing in. I made her the traditional Thanksgiving and while it was just my husband, mom and myself it was a wonderful, calm and restful day. Our guts are filled with good food now and grateful I listened to it on Tuesday.

Eliminating Guilt

When my son was young and we were raising him I always had a rule with my husband. We had to try our best every once in a while to get a baby sitter and go out to either a movie or dinner or even just a cup of coffee. I always believed that it was important to keep our relationship and interests strong as one day Sean would grow up and we would still need to have common interests.

Sean is now grown and Kevin and I have common interests for which Im grateful. I am finding it harder however to not feel guilty picking up and going to dinner and leaving Mom all alone in the recliner. When Sean was small and we left him for a while he anticipated happily going to the aunts or uncles or grandmas house while mom and dad were away. Mom sits all alone when I leave. That makes me feel incredibly guilty and sad.

Kevin is so great about all of this. In my heart I know I am a good daughter and do lots of things with Mom. I must push myself to take the time with Kevin as I know Mom will be absolutely fine. We all need separation from one another from time to time. We all cannot be together every second of the day.

I invited Kevin to a movie tomorrow night and perhaps a burger afterwards. Date night. I will be sure Mom has dinner before we leave and I promised her we will take her to church Sunday and breakfast afterwards. Compromise I hope will help me enjoy the movie and not feel guilty leaving her all alone. Wish me luck!!!

Things Change, Nothing Stays The Same

I have been thinking lately how things are constantly changing in my life. I grew up, met my husband, got married, had my son, watched him grow, saw my dad get sick and then died, see my mom age and move in. We lose loved ones and then others are born to take their place. Some days are wonderful and then there are times where we feel there is a dark cloud hanging over our heads. Somehow throughout all of these changes we survive. We make it.

When things are going badly or upsetting me I try hard to remember this concept. Nothing stays the same. Whatever I am experiencing right now will not be forever. Nothing is. When things are going wonderful I dont take them for granted either as the same can be true for happiness. Embrace it, appreciate it, be grateful but never take it for granted.

I do believe in positive thinking. I believe in order to have a happy future we must do our best to take care of our current life. I try to stay healthy, and pay down debts. In some instances we do have choices for our future. I know my behaviour at times can hurt me more than help the future. If we live long enough we all are going to be faced with the future.

There are however things that we would never plan in a million years but must deal with. We wake up each day and hope for the best. We ask for strength to get through hard days. We look for opportunities to smile every chance we get.

Things change, nothing stays the same. That is life. Lets all just try to enjoy the ride.

Setbacks

When we were younger and I looked to the future and tried to make plans for various things Moms famous line was you cant make plans!!..That used to frustrate me so much. I always thought, and part of me still does feel, that comment was so negative. We have to plan for the future. We have to at times have things to look forward to.

Now that I am older I do understand what she meant. We can try to make plans with the hopes that they will go smoothly but life is incredibly unpredictable. There are so many things that just happen that are totally out of our control. We can try to tell God our plan but unfortunately he really is the one to decide if he is going to let our plans happen.

Caregivers most definately experience setbacks in their lives. We understand that sacrifice is rewarding but that doesnt always make the experience easy. We try to make plans but we really do put our lives on hold for the person for whom we are caring. We put our spouses on the back burner lots of the time, we put our interests aside sometimes.

I know lots of time when I try to make plans to escape for a while Im faced with a setback. It can be so terribly discouraging when you plan a fun afternoon away and something happens and you are unable to go. Setbacks!!...so frustrating!!

Again however we cannot predict everything in life. I must try to not let the setbacks deflate me. I must try hard to continue to find the sunshine when the cloud looms above. While its not acceptable to whine and complain it is fine to speak of the setbacks. The world may not understand your sadness however another caregiver will.

We dont get a lot of thank you's when our role is the main family member for the caregiver. While it may not have felt like a choice I know I chose this role. Im doing the best I can however once in a while it sure would be nice to leave this for a bit. I thank anyone that understands how hard this can be.

Most days are good. It is sometimes when I experience a setback that I feel sad. Knowing others feel this way helps me. I say thank you to all the caregivers out there. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!.....I now will try to begin a new day, I will expect the best, prepare for the worse, but try to celebrate through all......even the setbacks!!

My Own Best Friend

All jobs are difficult and everyone has problems in them from time to time. We dont constantly talk of the problems because who wants to listen. Everyone has their own dilemmas and life challenges to get through.

Caring for your elderly parent really should not be called a job however at times I do refer to it as one. When people I just meet ask so "what do you do?" my reply is I am home with my mom. She will be 92 in January and I stopped working a year ago to spend more time and to motivate her day.

I know myself that this is not the most exciting job on the universe. I believe my rewards will come through memories later on. For now I believe only another caregiver could understand the impact of the job. We tend to keep our sadness or complaints to ourselves more than others as there are some that look down if you complain about the frustrations of an elderly parent or a sick spouse. You made a vow after all for better or worse, and I hear all the time, how bad can it be, she is so cute and she did take care of you afterall.

I have to learn to be my own best friend. I have to learn that it is ok to at times feel frustrated, sad, lonely and emotional. I tend to express that everying is fine when asked versus saying it does get lonely here sometimes.

Its not all glum however. It truly isnt! Mom and I have afternoons of laughter lots of the time, she taught me to be more organized as her eyesight is so bad and when things are in order she just finds them easier. She taught me compassion as I myself will one day be her and will want to be treated with dignity. She teaches me patience and she is always telling me I need to talk lower. Lately surprisingly she actually finds me funny. She never liked my sense of humor but all of a sudden she is laughing more at things I say.

We all want to feel loved and needed and important in some way. You dont get raises, bonuses, sick days, vacations and weekends pretty much are the same as Monday to us. However when Mom compliments my cooking to someone on the phone with phrases like you always get a good meal in this place or when she says Im very fortunate, I have a very good daughter it makes it all worthwhile.

Its not always easy and on the days it isnt I have to be my own best girlfriend and tell her its ok...its hard...but keep telling her your doing a great job. And keep that sense of humor girlfriend. I have to program these thoughts into my brain on those days. If a sad or emotional friend called me on the phone I would have the words for her, so I deserve to tell them to myself as well.

When I see Mom in the recliner or out with her friends at the center somehow the sacrifices dont seem so bad. And she always remembers to call out for me to take a break from whatever I am doing at 3:00 to say its time for coffee Donna!!

These are the thoughts that will give me peace later on. I know this to be true as I have done this once before. You forget all the frustrations when there gone. You truly do. It is the good times that you will hold in your heart.

Be your own best friend and feel the painful times and know they are ok and embrace all the wonderful memories......

Things Dont Work Like They Used To

Did you ever experience a cluster of days where things little bylittle just stopped working the way they were meant to. That is me this week for sure!!

Our main computer froze the other day and we still have not been able to "thaw" it out, the kitchen light starter is broken and takes a few minutes to get warmed up, we are experiencing rain and the telephone line is full of static and Moms doorknob just fell off her bedroom door as I picked it up with my migraine I woke up with this morning. I suddenly just started laughing and said to Mom, man we have more broken things around here lately than things that work.

I then was reminded of my day on Tuesday. I volunteer at Moms senior center as I thought it was a good way for her to get out more as well as fill my need of wanting to find something for which I could give back to the world. Tuesday was a Fall party at the center and it was a lot of fun and I helped serve the lunches. After lunch the music began and I watched all these elderly people with their walkers, canes, hearing aids, bad eyes, missing teeth and many aches and pains singing and dancing and clapping. Behind me sat a younger gentleman who apparently had a stroke who was paralyzed but he asked his aid to help him out of the wheelchair and he began to move back and forth to the music and was smiling as well.

All these wonderful people have lost so much. They were not focusing on all the things that no longer worked. They joined together and did not focus on all those things but instead chose to continue despite them.

It is so easy to focus on the broken things. I realize while writing this that at times I hinder Mom from all the things she can still continue to do to make my life more convenient.
When she asks me at lunchtime would you like me to make our sandwiches I usually say no I can do that. I selfishly dont want the crumbs, and the mustard on the counter and what I refer to as cleanup in aisle three moments. I have to learn to compromise however. She can still make the sandwich. She wants to make them. She needs to feel useful. We all do!

I knew when I made the decision to join homes that it was not always going to be easy to share our five rooms as I had done it with Aunt Hilda. I also know however I invited her to give her a better way of life. I have come a long way with her. I however must focus on all the things that continue to work and allow her to do those things for which she is able despite them perhaps not being done perfectly.

I must stop complaining!....My headache is not a big deal compared to others problems, I have my laptop so the computer being broken is not something to over react over, the kitchen light turns on slowly, Im not left in the dark and so what there is static on the phone....I can still hear the person on the other end. I may have to count to 100 when Mom peels potatoes as Im running around the kitchen grabbing the flying skins so my little shit tzu doesnt choke to death. I have to remember, focus on what works!! Hey,I can still count to 100!!. Its not always easy but the end result I know when done correctly will be worth it.

Mom can no longer do many things for which I can see the sadness in her eyes. But like all those wonderful people on Tuesday they were encouraging each other to keep on going despite the broken things. I must learn to keep encouraging her as well!!

I close by saying, wow Mom, that afgan your working on is really coming out NICE!! and you know it really is.....its actuall Beautiful as is She!!

Ingredients Of A Perfect Day

Last week Kevin and I dropped Mom off at church bingo and then enjoyed a nice breakfast, a walk in the park and just a little bit of time alone which is rare these days. It was almost time to pick Mom back up and I sadly said, Man, Im 51 years old! When will we be able to pick up and go and stop having to look at our watches? That day I felt the ingredients for a perfect day would be you, me and no watches.

The next day I read a blog a good caregiver friend wrote. Her name also is Donna and she cared for her Mom for many years. Her Mom suffered dementia and it was a very long journey but Donna cared for her right to the very end. Donna gave her Mom so much love despite the fact she no longer recognized her. Donna was so incredibly patient and sacrificed so much for her Mom with absolutely no regrets. This past August her Mom passed away and Donna wrote a fabulous piece on feeling like an adult orphan. How does one heal once Mom is no longer here?

As I was reading the piece I thought to myself, I really need to be careful what I wish for. We sometimes think things will be so much better once our carees are no longer with us. Despite the stress we all face we will never know what it is like to lose them until we are going through it ourselves.

I realized reading that piece that at times I focus way too much on things lost and what I cant do versus appreciating the things I do have. I have to learn to stop asking why as God knows the answer to this queistion. I waste so much time questioning and in doing so I lose out on many beautiful things.

Today we once again dropped Mom off at bingo. We took a beautiful drive way out on Long Island and bought homemade pies and jam and enjoyed country roads. Yes, we did have to keep our eye on our watches as Mom needed to be picked up. Instead of being sad however I was glad for the time we did have together. I am also blessed Mom is still here to enjoy the pie a la mode tonight as well.

It is not always easy but always be careful what you wish for. What you define as the ingredients of a perfect day today could change later on. Make the best of the situation each day. Those to me are the ingredients of a perfecct day.

Thanks to my friend Donna for this reminder.

Cracks In Foundations

This morning Queens looks like a bit of a war zone. It has not been confirmed yet but there are reports that we experienced a tornado here yesterday. You can define the storm any way you would like. I define it as incredibly scarey.

The sky got so incredibly dark, and the winds picked up with a harsh howl. You can hear outside the window garbage pails and other odds and ends just blowing all around. The news was urging we go into basements and take cover. I was so frightened as I was home alone with my Mom as well as concerned for my husband who was in Manhattan working.

The storm departed almost as quickly as it arrived. It sure did cause lots of cracks in foundations around the community. It taught me however that we just dont know what roads we will one day be travelling. I learned that we just have to wake up and use our time wisely. I learned we have to keep the faith for God knows the entire story even if I dont.

We all have cracks in our foundations that need repairing. Just like the trees and all of the damage some will be repaired, however Im sure there are some that will just have to remain. Today we all will try our best to conduct our lives despite all the cracks we face.

Fix what you can, dont stress over what you cannot and use the experience to learn and grow. That is all we can do. Cracks in the foundation for me was a huge lesson. Embrace each day despite them.

Numbers

I have been thinking lately of all the numbers I have in my mind to remember.

What is todays date?
What is todays temperature? How do I dress and how do I plan my day?
What time is it?
Are there any important celebrations for which i need to acknowledge (dates)
Are there any phone calls I need to make (phone numbers)
Are there any letters I need to write (addresses)
What channel is moms soap net on again? she missed days of our lives yesterday
What was my number code to listen to my voice mail again?
I must type in the prescription numbers to renew moms medicine with cvs
What is Moms access a ride ID # again...I must make an appointment (numbers) to get her hair done tomorrow
I must remember to weigh Mom this week to make sure there isnt a lot of water in her body
What size did you say you needed me to order your housecoat in
How many pancakes do you want Mom?
How much money do we need to take out of the bank for groceries this week
Mom reminding me that despite my being 51 and she being 91 it is just a number


Numbers, Numbers, Numbers!!!!!.......The main number to remember is 1!!!! We caregivers are all Number One!! Shout it Out!!....
We have so much to remember but we always seem to get it all done and remember each and everyone of them.........
I probably forgot to list some numbers however ...... feel free to remind me of anything I did not mention..........

Reactions

I sometimes feel I have to change the way I react to things especially when it comes to my Mother. A few weeks ago she was pouring boiling water into a coffee mug to have tea but her eyesight is so poor and she did not see the water spilling all over the place. I was so concerned that she not burn herself and I said Mom, you need me to do that for you I think but I said it rather harshly. I dont do it to hurt her feelings, it truly is so that she wont get hurt. It is so hard as I dont want to always make her feel like she is being reprimanded. I know at times my reaction causes her more stress. I thought about the word react and once you unscramble the letters you will see four of them create care. The only reason I am reacting the way I am is because I care. I must unscramble my mind like I did the word and realize kind actions and not excited words would serve me better....I will learn to lower my voice and speak calmer when these mishaps happen....wish me luck!!!!!!

Coloring Inside The Lines

I would definately not define myself as a perfect person as I honestly know I am far from it. I in the past have purchased things I did not need nor could afford just because I had to have them, Im sure I ate things I knew were not good choices and most definately I have said things for which I should have thought twice about.

On the other hand I cannot really do anything wrong. Im the type of person that while at the grocery store if I change my mind and decide I dont want to purchase an item in my cart I just cant lay it anywhere. I must return it to the correct spot. I cannot leave the shopping cart anywhere in the parking lot, I must walk it to the corral which is usually far away from our parking space but still put it away. I really do try to do the right thing even when I dont necessarily have to. Solicitors call while we are eating dinner and I just cant hang up, I listen for a few seconds and then politely interrupt and say thank you for calling but we really are not interested and then hang up. I guess this was how I was raised. I was raised with manners and rules.. Mom always said my house, my rules.

When I watch small children coloring it makes me crazy if they just scribble their crayons on the paper. I so want to guide their hands and teach them to color within the lines. I dont as they have to learn on their own and all I can do is try to set the example for others to follow.

Is this a fun way of living? Is it worth it to always be honest?

I think so. I wish we could spread the word and just try to get everyone to realize their are rules in life. Sometimes we have to color inside the lines to have a more sane life.

So will I never again eat something I shouldnt, of course not. Will I never again say something I shouldnt, of course not!! Am I an honest person, of course I am and Im very proud of it. Thanks Mom and Dad. Im very grateful for the lessons you taught. Coloring inside the lines does not make you boring believe me!!! While Im quite neat, orderly and disciplined I still am quite colorful.

Getting My Discipline Muscles Strengthened

I am a believer that we all must work hard and think about making healthy and happy choices because doing so will help us in all aspects of our life later on. Is it always easy to do? Definately not. It takes a lot of discipline and hard work. Do I always feel like working out?, NO! Do I always feel like eating and cooking healthy?, NO! Sometimes do I just feel like going to the mall and buying something I dont need just because I want to? YES. Every day I work on strengthening my discipline muscle. I want them to get stronger and stronger every single day. It is definately a challenge to do what is right. We sometimes eat or buy things we really deep down did not want or need out of boredom or sadness or loneliness in the hope to brighten our days but afterwards it can make us feel worse in the long run. It is fine to treat ourselves. I believe we all must do that from time to time. We must do it for the correct reasons however. I am cleaning out closets and drawers in my home every day this week. Im throwing out the clutter with the knowledge that having a peaceful environment will make me much happier than had I jammed one more thing in that was not needed. I will then applaud my work and make a pedicure appointment. A small treat that will keep the calm feeling within me to work out my discipline muscles again next week.

Am I A Princess

Mom and I were sitting outside enjoying a nice Summer morning today. My neighbor next door babysits her two small grandchildren while her daughter and son in law go to work. She looked so tired and drained and I commented to her that I hope she can find a little time to take care of herself. She went into the house and came out a few minutes later with a wagon full of laundry on her way to the laundromat as she is not allowed to have a washer and dryer in her apartment. The poor thing was lugging the heavy load down the block wearing the same clothes for which she had on yesterday probably to save herself work. Wear it as long as you can versus lugging it. I said to my mother I feel very badly for Debbie. She and her husband do not own a car. Im not certain if it is because they cannot afford one or perhaps they dont want one but they grocery shop with the same cart as the laundry. I said to Mom. She really must think Im a Princess. Here I am sitting in a different tshirt and shorts than yesterday out here reading womans day books and there she is so exhausted. It really made me very blessed for everything that I have in my life. I dont think Im a Princess. Am I a Princess?

Keeping The Gas Tank From Ever Reaching Empty

My husband is notorious for waiting until the car is almost registering the gas tank is empty before going to the gas station. I get anxiety when he does this. I dont understand this at all, it is not good for the car and it truly stresses me.
It reminded me that it is just as important to keep my gas tank full at all times as well. Dont wait until your thirty to drink, sip all day. Dont wait until your starving to eat, have something every few hours. Dont let your bodies go to empty. We cannot run ourselves down as just like the car engine we will suffer when waiting to be filled.
Ive been hearing that people are living to be 106-107. Some people would say, wow that is wonderful. When your the caregiver you think both wonderful and dread. I say dread respectfully because its hard for me to even imagine sharing my space for 15 or 16 more years. Not to mention that would make me 67-68 myself. I have to be sure to enjoy the journey. I have to be sure to enjoy my ride. I have to be sure to keep my engine running smoothly. Ready set, go, join me!! Start those engines. We dont know how many years we will be on this journey but at least we can try to make it a happy ride.

The Face You See Is The Real Deal

I love the fact I am getting older and in about six weeks or so will be 51!! Yippee!!...It is wonderful up here world. Im finally at the point where I can be the real me!! Take me or leave me but this is the real deal. Blogging opens your heart and lets you freely write your story. I had so much anxiety when I was younger and it is refreshing to talk about it and let the world know Im not yet where I want to be but am sure glad Im not where I used to be. Its not easy when you live an invented life. You always have to be an actor. I always felt like I had to impress everyone. Im so grateful that is so not necessary. Youth really is wasted on the young. I spent so much time,energy and money doing things to just feel like I fit in. Stuff doesnt make you fit in if you are unfit inside. Im so happy that I love this person I am. I appreciate all I have and when feeling this way Im not resentful. When your at peace it is easier to make better choices all around. It is when we are resentful that we act out poorly and do things in the hopes of feeling better but in reality are just making things worse.. things will never bring happiness until we are healthy within. Sacrificing brings a lifetime of blessings ....it truly does. So I am now wearing a happier face.....what your seeing is the real deal....I can now go out and walk the dog without makeup and hair done...who cares...however Im still proud of the days when I have the perfect hairdo and makeup....but it is for my happiness only...not for anyone else....
Yippee!!!!

Wisdom Is Choosing Now What You Will Be Happy With Later

I was talking to my sister about this yesterday. My dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer shortly after I got engaged. We were originally going to get married in November of 1980 but as dad began declining we decided to push it to August instead. Luckily we did this as dad passed away November of 1980. Planning the wedding was difficult. The day of my wedding my mother was understandably upset and was crying and kept saying things like everyone was leaving her and she hopes I would never forget her. Of course I promised her I would never forget her nor was I leaving her. And leaving her I never did. I stayed in the same neighborhood as her and we are still here with her. Should I have moved to a different neighborhood back then when Mom was still young and working? My Sister still lived in New York at the time. She moved after I was married two years which really made things difficult for me. Was it guilt that kept me here? I wonder every now and then was this the right choice? The title of this blog is so true...we really need to consider the whole picture when making choices. Im not certain if I did that. I lived in the moment without thinking that Mom would one day be old and I have no family here to help me. Perhaps if I had not stayed so close Mom would have moved with my sister instead. I have moved on and have accepted the reality that there is no other family here to give us breaks. I believe this experience has made me a better parent. My son came to me upset the other day and said Mom, I dont know what to do. His girlfriends birthday is on Mothers Day. I said to him, I never want you to forget me, I never want you to disrespect me and I always want you to love me however I also want to clip the wings. Im not certain this girlfriend will one day be my daughter in law but regardless for now she is very important and I said you must put the love in your life first, not me. I dont ever want him to feel guilt about conducting his life because he is an only child and must worry about me. Some may not agree with me.
Do you ever wonder if you made the right choices that led to your caregiving role?
Depsite the past the main thing is today choosing things that I will be happy with later on. I am very blessed. I have many happy memories. You just cant help wondering sometimes!!